We Will Never Know

Human is so much to understand. It not only contains body but it has crazy ideas and insane acts. Even i still haven't figured out the body i have been living in for 21 years and which in next month will be 22. For a person with crazy family past, toxic experiences and mental health issue, i learned something from my own.

Have you ever asked yourself how you really felt? Or are you really felt present at that time? Have you ever really feel certain about anything in your life. I can't even decide where to go or where to eat every time someone ask me out even though i hate going without direction or going nowhere. The answer is, no matter how great our plan, our vision, our imagination, we will never know how screwed your life will be.

To be honest i only aimed myself to have a good life, be kind, helpful, and not having any regret of throwing my life in a waste after i die. I want to life fully. By that meaning, it also comes with great risk and responsibility. Being a good person is no much challenging than to be bad person. So much easier to be bad. I tried to be good once but eventually, turned out to be bad. It also doesn't stop there. As a catholic woman, there is a concept of denying "flesh" to achieve holy-ness which i have to face every second every 24 hours, there are devil everywhere, even the one who dressed up as an angel as my Mom said.

I've done so many wrong things in my life that i regret. Well not so many. But considering i still have a lot of time and age (probably), there is no possibility that i won't make another many mistakes. However, looking back again at my experiences, fails, and falls, there is one thing that relates to one another. That the cause of every mistakes that i made is not because i made a wrong choice or decision. It is because i never made CERTAIN decision. I mostly chose that decision based on what options i have and never looked at another perspective. It is not easy. For sure. It takes time. Also it takes huge courage. If you have certain decision, there is no turning back, no regrets. No matter how wrong the choice you made, if you know well of the risks and yourself, promise me you'll be okay.

The question is, have you ready yet?

The answer is. You'll never be.

You will never be ready for anything and that is one out of many human being lack of. It's like you are going to jump of from cliff. You have no idea what it feels like so just close your eyes and jump. Although it may look stupid, but no one really know yourself than you do.

As a person who suffered mental health before, this looks so weird right? How come i can say about these things. Well i do still suffer at these time. I also not feeling well. Such a bullsh*t if i'm not, and you may too.

Good luck for making crazy decisions.

Thankyou for reading