Father Issue

Most human use comparison method as one of many solution for human problem. For example, when a person are feeling desperate for his/her phase of life and not getting what he fight for, he/she will try to compare with others who experienced worse than her/him to feel better. But in terms of family, it is much more complicated than that, even many people did try to do comparison method, although in my experience it is not effective.

I live in a wealthy family, which includes mom, dad, and my older sister, even both my mom and dad did not came from a wealthy family. To fulfill family needs, my father needs to work hard and it cost him lack of quality time with his first daughter, my one and only sister. Since then, many more problem started to shaken our family. Even though I am the closest daughter to my dad, I still feel like the figure of a father is much more farther than I have now. I got envy most of the time with my other friend's family, and some point I got mental issues and it caused me lack of control in my emotion.

By then, I decided to try that "comparison method" by thinking that there are still so many young people like me, who is not lucky enough to still have their one or both parents living in the same roof or still alive and healthy. I have to be more grateful, despite of the heavy pill I have to swallow, and the hurtful truth I have to accept. But the more I did that, the bigger pill it got. I started to use that hurtful truth to be the reason of all problems that i have, mental problems, social skills, intelligent, and many more.

However, after what I experienced today, after I saw how hurted my sister's feelings, she struggled about it much harder than me. Then I remembered a book and a movie that I watched from Jon Krauker, which titled "Into The Wild", that told the story about how Chris McCanddles struggled in Alaska with family problem. Both the writer, Jon and Chris has the same father issue. This just got me thinking that, there must be thousands, thousands of people out there who experienced the same as me, who still have a complete set of wealthy family but beneath that contains many lies and sadness. They both faced it extremely and hoped that by going to wild nature will solve their problem, or at least changed themselves but it turned out that it is not.

Other side effect of the "comparison method" that it just will cause trauma. Naturally, if the dark facts surrounds a human life constantly, it created some kind of proof and theory, false theory, that he/she will eventually experienced the same kind of trouble. The cause can be fatal, such as trust issue, social ability, close hearted or close minded, stubborn, and many more problem that can make a short progress in human life. I truly saw that my sister, even if she doesn't realized it, have those kind of trauma so she haven't date anyone in almost 4 years. She doesn't have the same kind of spark in interaction between men anymore. Almost numb.

I too, had that kind of trauma too. Even sometimes it appeared and disturb my current relationship. But I am so grateful that I have a supportive men in my life who can still understands and be patient about me. It is because I tried other method called "loving and accepting". The journey is not easy, and takes a lot of effort. But it requires not only the ability of mind manipulating like the comparison method, it is truly based on personal strength.

There is no such thing as a a perfect family. Even if I thought and saw some in public that seems so happy, we will never know that lies within. I realized the essential of having a family, is that you have to have the ability to accept each other as the way they are, the worst part, the attitude, the bad habit, the snores, even from the smallest. I thought this is also important if you want to have a family or get married. We can never able to change our partner to become exactly like we want, and vice versa. The acceptance is a lifetime, even until now I still struggles to face my sister's bossy nature. Fighting our own ego is hard, it is the heaviest cross (as what Christians said, and because I'm Christian) that I have to carry in a lifetime. That is what love, or in Indonesia "kasih" is meant for. And trust me, if you did try to fight it once, you will get the love from family that you wanted and needed, even if it will take so many years.

I have been fighting for almost 10 years, and still progressing. But I am happy and grateful for my family, and I do not want to replace it with anything else. Ever.

Thank you for reading