A Totally Honest Story About My Life

*this was written 4 years ago*

Angelina Desandra Adventa. 19 years old. And literally knows nothing about life but I’ve seen it so much. I miss this kind of inspiring thing to do, but only happen everytime I feel inspired. And I just did this after watched crazy,stupid,love movie.

Rn I feel like a totally dumb and stupid person. Beside i'm not really a religious person who feels grateful everytime, but I just deserves to call myself that.

I have an ideology that having a bestfriend, is a total bullshit. I haven’t feel like I have one for the last 2 years. But I do felt like one 2 years before, and right after I get to college, but I just found out years and years later that it wasn’t really exist. I was my imagination all the time. Even my boyfriend said that, “go ahead. Do what you want with your friends, I mean, what you called HOME”.

I did not said it was horrible to be at HOME. It was nice honestly. It was meant to be. I named it home with the real feeling. But after I get more serious in college life, and also, love live. “It” disappear. I tried to reach for them. And for like a year I tried, it doesn’t really worked.

Is it my fault? Like the only reason that 15 people gone is when I gone for the first time and forgetting them? Did I even said forgetting even though I did not? Am I blaming my boyfriend for getting me separated with them even though he is the part of that place too?

Or maybe, people is right about love is blind. Okay ill talk about that later.

Continue about bullshit thing. I experienced worst childhood when I was 4 yo until 6th grade. Damn it is so long. No wonder why many people called me dark when I was middle school. Not only them, even my parents. Having a bestfriend is like taking a big risk of being hurt. At one time it was really fun and unforgettable but when it comes to that “zone”. All I can do is just cry alone, not telling my parents because I’ll call myself childish and dumb. But not after the tragedy keeps repeat, then I tell mom. I never tell dad. I will be more desperate then ever and it never heals. I always being the person to blame and to bully. And everyone except myself is like always right. And you know what? I believe that I always wrong. I do admit myself.

And so I keeping that dark personality deep deep inside until I was in college. Because that is when I realize that bestfriend thing isn’t always a big deal because there is much more important to pay attention to.

BUT

The last night I said and believe in A

And the next morning, here comes the B

I'm such a bullshit. I ALWAYS feeling lonely. And back to that bullshit. I do have very best friends in high school, and then we go to different college, and ever since we graduated until now, I never have that feeling again back when I was In high school. It different. The “black personality” I have talked before is much bigger. When I see other people story about bestfriend and about one of my bestfriend’s bestfriends, they just always have that time and the same feeling like when they were in school. And why is it always hard to gather all of my bestfriends. 8 of them. To just meet at one time in a year and for such a short time in a year?

And so I just don’t always have a mate to eat lunch. Sometimes I eat alone and sometimes I eat wth my boyfriend because he is literally what I feel as my bestfriend and accompany on most of my life.

I really don’t want to pretend by now. There are too many bullshits and I just don’t wanna be dumped on that.

And if you read this. Don’t let those bullshit poisoning you for years.

And. I have this other, female person, that unbelievably, I admit as my true mate. Even though I don’t really admit her as my bestfriend because she has her own group and I don’t want to be in it because of my trauma. Even though I don’t like everything on her, I just feel like being needed of someone. And I haven’t treated like that for years, except by my boyfriend. And there is no bullshit at all on her. But still. Trauma. But I admit it that she’s my adult time savior right now. The funny thing is, everytime she is having a bad time and come to me, and ask me many times “what is real friend meant to you?”.

GOSHH I don’t even know what It is. I have no idea why we should have a best friend.

“But venta, you have a boyfriend. He’s kind, he’s perfect for you, and other said that boyfriend is your bestfriend and also your soulmate”

Yeah guys? If I talk about that, that will be so many, many words to say.